3 Hard Lessons I Learned Becoming an “Adult”

Growing up is tough. You start to make tough financial decisions, you get in sticky situations with your personal relationships, and eventually you even begin to encounter hairy work-related issues, and *swallows* taxes.

So, in the event that I ever forget some of the lessons I’ve already learned before I hit the ripe, old age of 24 in the coming months, I’ve compiled what I hope to be a very helpful list of hard lessons learned. I’m only giving the first three today because I feel like each of these deserves a little explanation.

1. You Can’t “Fix” or “Change” People

Now. We’ve all had someone “older and wiser” tell us that people can’t be “fixed” or “changed.” But, often we choose to believe that our situation is different. This person is different. I’m different. But this rule is the same regardless of the situation. People don’t change unless they choose to change, period.

This doesn’t apply to romantic relationships exclusively, at all. This applies to work-related relationships, friendships, family. Save yourself a lot of heartache. Instead of spending a ton of time and energy explaining what you want of the other person, spend that time and energy listening to them and adjusting your responses. Only you are in control of your emotional responses. Sure, you can say, “John made me upset,” all day long. But, “John” is not in control of your emotional reactions. Only you are. There’s an inner peace that can be found by simply saying, “That’s just how John is,” instead of blowing a fuse on John and trying to force him to change his ways.

2. You Really Do “Get Out of It What You Put Into It”

Again… Another cliché thing our grandmas said when we whined about going to piano lessons. But, this applies to most things in life. Even if you initially don’t have any interest in the thing, or the thing is inconvenient, or you’re dealing with some pride issues relating to the thing… you’ll typically begin to enjoy it once you’re investing in it.

The main reason a lot of people lose interest in things is because they’re not very good at them and aren’t willing to put in the time and effort it takes to become good at those things.

For example, I’ve been doing a lot of rock climbing over the past few months. I, of course, started out pretty terrible. I was climbing the easiest routes in the gym, getting sore EVERY time, and getting a lot of bruises. I naturally tend to get overwhelmed by my pride when I’m not initially good at something, and my enthusiasm for it ends up fizzling out (ehhhh, deep-seated issues? Yes!). Fortunately, I have a boyfriend fiancé, who forces encourages me to try and try again until I see the results I want.

And WHAT DO YOU KNOW, I’ve gotten a lot better, a lot stronger, and a lot more interested in rock climbing because I kept up with it. (Thanks, Tim.)

Yes, of course this works with honing new skills, but it works with relationships, too. If you find yourself *not* surrounded by the friends you once had, or if you feel like one relationship or friendship is lackluster from what it used to be… it’s probably because you’re not trying as hard to keep it going.

It’s SO easy to be friends in easy times. But when we’re busiest, most pressed for time, least equipped to be someone’s friend… that’s when we need to work hardest at cultivating our relationships. We truly think of every excuse in the book to zone out and watch 5 hours of Parks and Rec and not talk to anyone once we get home from work (or at least… that’s what I tend to find myself doing). But I never regret catching up with a friend.

3. Your Brain Doesn’t Always Work the Same Way as Others’ Brains

Now, is this poorly phrased? Yes. Is it hard to understand what I’m saying because it’s not a real sentence? Also, yes. BUT that doesn’t make it any less true. In my sales classes, therapy sessions, and one-on-one relationships with people, I’ve learned that my brain functions entirely different from most others’ in my life.

I have similar interests, similar values, and similar senses of humor to the people I’ve cultivated relationships with, sure. But the biggest difference here is our problem-solving techniques, our sources of insecurities, our methods of “recharging”… the list goes on.

For example, I’ve learned that I tend to rely heavily on the emotional and social side of life to give me the most enjoyment. Everything I do revolves around emotion and relationships. When I solve problems or make a decision, I’m thinking of how so-and-so might react, how it might affect our relationship if I behave a certain way, and how I’ll feel during all/some/part of the interaction. You can best describe my problem solving as having a “gut feeling,” and I’ve got to admit… it typically works pretty well. When I feel insecure, it’s usually because I’m interpreting how others are looking at me, how that affects our relationships, and how it makes me feel. When I want to “recharge” at the end of a long day, I want either a good cry, a good laugh, a long life chat, or a big plate of Mexican food.

Okay, the last part has nothing to do with the way my brain works, but it’s true.

Example number two. My closest friend relies heavily on logic and facts. When he solves problems or makes decisions, he thinks of the logic behind how something works, and the most accurate facts that pertain to the situation. He does substantial research to know more about any particular subject in order to solve the problem or lead him to making the best decision. When (or IF…) he feels insecure, it’s normally because his intelligence is being insulted, or if someone is doubting his competency in something. When he wants to “recharge” at the end of the day, he usually prefers physical activities during which he can improve his skill level – rock climbing, disc golfing, weights, what have you.

We are such different people when it comes to the way our brains work, so I have to remind myself that logic and facts are what make the most sense to him, and he has to remember that my emotions and relationships affect a lot of my decisions.

Associating yourself with personalities different from yours will expand your communication skills, challenge you to excel in things you wouldn’t have thought of on your own, and give you a new perspective on things… overall become a more well-rounded human being.

Isn’t that what we’re all out to do anyway?